Urbin Report

Saturday, December 10, 2005

He's surrounded by idiots...

Iowahawk channels Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi's latest blog post.
Here are some highlights:

Man, I swear I could almost tolerate this shit if all I had to deal with was the infidels and their local Iraqi ho's. Sure, they'll pop a tomahawk cap in your ass, but you can kinda understand where they're coming from. Upside, you have that fine-ass virgin coochie waiting for you in Paradise. But nooooo, Zarkman also has to cope with his own "team." Holy fucking prophet, with jihadis like these who needs enemies?
...
"Mmm hmm. And what skills would those be?"

"Well, uh, you know. Car burning, subway Jew beating, things like that. People skills."

Shit, I though I was gonna spray some Mecca-Cola through my nose when I saw Khalid behind them, doing that throat-slash thingy with his hook, but I kept it together. "Sure! Sounds like a plan, guys! Umm, why don't you go with Khalid. He'll take you out back and have you fill out the transfer forms." Long story short, they're back in Paris. Torsos, at least.

In fairness I guess you expect that kind of pussified goatshit from French recruits, even when they're shahids. Weasels or not, at least they have enough sense to try to save their own asses. But man, then there are these crazy fucking Saudi and Yemeni and Syrian assholes. Those guys are so stupid and horny for Paradise poontang that they're already blowing themselves up before they get their luggage unloaded from the courtesy van. We got a little joke here at the office:

What's the last thing a Saudi says to a Syrian before they met Allah?

"What does this button do?"


I'm telling you, If you were around these felchers 10 minutes you'd be convinced we need to rethink this whole marrying-in-the-clan thing. And, along with the stupid, comes the gullibility. Zawahiri, in all his motivational wisdom, bought a Dish Network subscription for the office so we could get the CNN and MSNBC feeds. "Good for morale," or something like that. Oh yeah, brilliant move there, Ayman. Next time some of my clueless shitheads decide to attack the "demoralized and broken" Team Satan after watching the Chris Matthews Show, maybe you can help stuff the remains into the Ziplocs and write the goddamn thank-you notes.
...
I'm starting to get paranoid about my job security because OBL stopped returning my emails a month ago. Yeah, I've heard the rumor that he's dead, but either way it looks like I'll be lucky if the bonus this year is "Zarkman lives to see the Texas-USC game."

Anyhoo, gotta close, my Zarky-sense is tingling and that usually means jarheads in the neighborhood. Before I split, isn't it close to that big infidel holiday where you give each other free shit? Especially if they're needy? Just so you know, we're running low on a lot of stuff: underwear, ammo, electrical wiring, sterile gauze, stuff like that. You kuffars are always bragging about your holiday cheer, but the only package we've gotten this year is that a cheesy "Hang In There Baby" poster from Howard Dean.

Go read the whole thing.